Jealousy
by paramachairodus
Summary: Aeleus' thoughts and fears about losing Ienzo to someone else.


A/N: Aeleus' point of view. Title is crappy - please forgive it. And forgive how FFnet makes everything look a bit screwed up, please. It honestly looks just fine elsewhere :/ I'm still new to FFnet's system, so maybe I'm doing something wrong... Ah well. At least it'll look just fine on dA.

Disclaimer: I obviously do not own Kingdom Hearts. D:

* * *

Every minute, of every day, I think about it - I try to figure out where I went wrong. 

Did I not love you enough? But, how can that be? I love you with every last bit of my Heart - _and__ more_.

Maybe I did not show it enough. Or perhaps I myself simply was not good enough to be the subject of your own love.

I think about it, every minute, of every day, and try to figure out _what __went__ wrong._

Was it even my doing at all? Yes, yes it had to be - because I love you, and would rather take the blame for_ destroying__ the__ world_ than let you. I would die, kill,_ do__ anything__ for__ you_.

Perhaps that was not enough.

Perhaps my _love_ was not enough.

I thought it was genuine, I thought it was meant to be. We seemed so happy together - it was not perfect, yet that is how I knew it _was_ genuine, as no relationship _is_ perfect.

Wait,_ relationship _: it was that, was it not? We had both admitted to one another of our love for the other.

So where did I go wrong?

Oh... I see, now...

I did not fight enough to keep what love I thought was mine. Perhaps I do not deserve your love, after all. I am a horrid person, am I not? Wanting to keep something so beautiful to myself, but then not fighting for it in the end.

Oh, I do not deserve your love at all, no, no I do not.

The sad part is, I saw it coming. It came, gradually, did it not? I am trying to remember - but it seemed like one day you were mine, then the next, you were someone else's.

Either way, I did, indeed, see the signs.

Or did I? Perhaps I am viewing this all wrong. Could you two not simply be friends? My mind keeps trying to think that you are, and that is all and there is nothing more to your 'relationship', but my Heart aches and cries it feels so broken; it knows better.

All the time you two had started to spend together. When you were with me, I never really heard you mention him at all, to be honest - but it was not hard to look elsewhere, see how you were with one another, hear from others how they thought you _were __like__ a__ couple._

Maybe my Heart was too broken for my mind to react properly - an _excuse_ for my not fighting for what I love?

I tried to speak to you about how I felt, but my words always were caught in my throat. Eventually, my mind made an excuse for myself by saying that if you did not see how hurt I was, or even how you were acting yourself, then perhaps it was for the better - perhaps,_perhaps_, this was what you wanted.

And if this is what you want, and it will make you happy, then I am happy. All I want is for you to be happy - should you not be with me, then I hope you are with_him_.

Even still, why do I feel so... What is this emotion?_ Jealousy?__ Anger?__ Sadness?_ I know not, as everything blurs together by now. Or, perhaps, it _is_ all together.

Then the day came, when you asked me that question.

"_You__ have __been__ sad __lately__, Aeleus__. What__ is__ wrong__?"_

I had to look away and bite my tongue to keep from blurting out "_Why __do__ you__ care__?"_. I was not a spiteful person, and the _look_ in your eyes - it brought tears to my own eyes, as I could see _you __cared._

"_I __may__ be __a __genius, __but __I__ am __no __mind __reader, __you__ know.__"_ That soft giggle of yours that I loved so dearly. "_You __must __speak __of __what __is __wrong __in __order __for __me __to __help __you __-__I __only __want __you__ to__ be __happy, __after __all_."

But how could I? If you knew,_if__ you__ knew_ how bad a person I have been, how _jealous_ and _angry_ I have gotten, you would not love me _at__ all._

This is what kept me from speaking the truth, and forced a small smile on my face as I looked back down at you, giving you my response of "_Nothing__ is __wrong, __my __love. __I __am __just __tired __lately, __is __all_."

Quickly, I gave an excuse to leave, turning and beginning to walk away, giving you a quick smile before looking away once more.

And then all Time seemed to stop.

I felt your little hand grip onto mine - the surprise of this stopped me completely in my tracks.

"_Do __not __lie __to __me, __Aeleus. __Such __a __look __in __your __eyes__ is__ not __from__ being__ tired_."

Frozen, silent, in place, I stood, keeping my back towards you and looking down at the ground._One__ could __put __up __a __mask __to __hide __their __sadness, __but__ their __eyes __would __always __give __everything __away._

"_Do__ you __love __him_?" were the words out of my mouth, surprisingly soft, despite my usual sound of voice.

The silence, I thought, had stopped my Heart. I knew, if there was hesitation, what the answer would be.

There was hesitation. Or perhaps it was merely because you were surprised by my words? I could not tell.

"_I__ love__** you**_."

"_Sometimes__ it __does __not __feel __that __way,__"_I admitted quietly, vision already blurred by tears threatening to fall.

I was expecting silence, once more, but your actions surprised me: in one swift movement, you had moved to stand in front of me, beautiful blue eyes looking _at__ me, __and __only __me._

The sad expression on your face alone was enough to cause the tears to come.

"_I __am__ sorry,__"_ I quietly whispered, looking away from you.

Your tiny hand reached up, and you looked so cute on your tip-toes like that, as your fingers gently tried to wipe the tears away from my face.

"_No__, no, __do __not __apologize __-__**I **__am__ sorry, __so, __so __sorry__, my__ love. __I __was __a__ blind __fool __for __not __knowing__ you __were __hurt __over __this __in__ the __beginning_." Tears were soon in your own eyes - I could see them, even if you were trying so hard to hide them.

But were they tears of honest guilt towards a misunderstanding subject, and letting it have been misunderstood as much as it has been? Or guilt towards having been found with your hand in the cookie jar?

I could not tell, and it was wrong of me to doubt, but understandable, no?

As if reading my mind, your next words were, "_I __love __you, __and __only __you, __I__ swear __that __I__ do__. There__ is__ no __other, __and__ never__ will __be__ - __you __are __my __life, __you __are __everything __to __me .__ It __pains __me__ to __see__ that __I __have __hurt __you __so__ much, __and __that __I__ was __so__ blind__ and __**stupid **__not __to __see __it__ before. __I __am__ so, __so __very __sorry, __Aeleus. __Your __forgiveness __I__ do __not __deserve_." Your words, by now, were stuttered out, and your face was hidden against me, shoulders shaking from your crying.

Surely _**this**_ is genuine?

Words I spoke not - I lifted you up into my arms, holding you close to me, and hiding my own face against your soft hair. Gently I tried to kiss away the tears, unable to see you in such a state.

For what I wished would last forever, I stood there, holding you.

You were mine,_all __mine_, at that moment.

But were you really _mine_ Was your love, as you said,_only_ for me?

I feel bad for doubting you, after such words had been spoken to me, but would you blame me? What would _you_ do if you were in my place? Would you not, also, feel the same jealousy, anger, and hurt? Would your own Heart not be broken the same way mine had been?  
_  
If a dog bites you once, you cannot help but fear he will do it again._

But still, I love you, and only you - my Heart goes to no other. Forever I will be yours, even though you might not be mine. Even if you pretend that you are, I will be happy, if you are happy.

Your love is all I want. I am willing to be a fool and be blinded by something not genuine if that is the only thing you think I deserve from you.


End file.
